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Its been a while since I've been on here. Due to a series of life changing events which led me into a state of depression in which I was basically drinking as much as I could to possibly even get an hours worth of sleep, I didn't have much time for anything but the booze.  Now, almost two years after that event, with a tremendous amount of help from people that love me dearly, I am almost feeling right again.   Dried out and jacked up for new life to unfold, I've started dreaming my whacky dreams again. I'm going to try to diligently log these dreams, so I am able to center some sort of awareness from them and perhaps one day open my mind to the world of lucid dreaming.

They say that everything you see in a dream you have encountered in real life at some point, well this last dream that I had definitely had elements of real life. It was one of those dreams that makes you so happy that your heart feels like its going to burst, and then when you wake up, you never want to go back to sleep. Because you know that dream is impossible. Totally unreachable.

Writing about it helps me shake the wonderful and devastating feelings that this dream created for me. So if you're reading this, maybe you can relate and it might help you feel a little better, if you skimmed it and decided I was crazy, you're probably onto something. Either way, this release of my unconscious thoughts to strangers on the world wide web helps me feel a little bit better for reasons I cannot explain. Here it goes;

The setting of this dream started off like many others, I was sitting in a room with a delicious beer in my hand. All of the sudden the room is full of people I know, great friends, old drinking buddies, people who's faces I know, but names I can't remember. 

We're all getting along famously, talking about life, love, stress and set backs, when a face I know sticks out in the crowd. Someone I haven't seen in a long time, and someone that knows someone I have been actively trying not to think about.

The subconscious seems to have gotten the better of me. It was a friend of my ex. (Surprisingly (insert dripping sarcasm here), the inciting incident in my real life downward spiral)

 The friend walks up to me and says, "I need to show you something"

Reluctantly and curiously, I follow him. He leads me out of the room, down a series of fire exit stairs, through rooms that look strangely familiar and finally to a place full of so many wonderful memories. I hoped it would stay that way. In the past, gone, only to be remembered of the great times I had there.

But this place is different. Not the setting, just the mood.

I start to panic, I know whats coming, I want it so badly, but I know that it's not real. It can't be real. But it feels so very very real.

And there it is.

My ex comes into the room. 

He looks at me, with those eyes I loved, and my heart skips a beat. How does he do this? Still, after everything, in a dream, I feel like I'm frozen to the spot. I can feel the uncertainty, the spite, the hate.

I can't force myself to move, to speak, to cry.

Then he takes my hand. My souls on fire, my heart is pounding, I have no idea what he wants from me, but it doesn't matter. I feel like I'm whole again. My other half is back.

He leads me away from that place with so many good memories and up some more stairs. I don't know where we're going, he hasn't said a word. We get to the bottom of another stair case, familiar again, but lost through time. And my shoes are there. So I start putting on my shoes as if were going outside, he does the same. He stands up first and waits for me to finish tying up my shoes. As I go to stand, I'm crouched down and look up, he's smiling. A smile that I remember so well, brighter than Times Square.

I don't remember what happened, but something came back. And he picked me up and hugged me so hard my air was gone out of my lungs. He said he missed me. He needed to find me. He's sorry for what happened. I just soak up the moment. I missed him so badly, my heart ached for so long.

This was my breaking point. I don't remember anything else from the dream other than how elated I was. That feeling I haven't felt in years was back.


I had to force myself to wake up.       I could have stayed there forever.



So, now I am awake. With all these feelings that I've missed dearly.

And the realization that this dream is impossible crashes down on me.

I want to cry, but I can't.

So I think.


Why would I have this dream now? I am at a fantastic point in my life, I'm back on track, succeeding in my career and even taking online university courses to open more opportunity.

Why the hell would my subconscious decide to through that curveball at me?

Think.

Breathe.

Breathe in the pain.

Exhale the love.


It's been a week since this dream, I'm still piecing it together. Considering I'm a terribly unromantic person, some may refer to me as a robot, I am still having trouble deciphering the feelings.

Here's my conclusion, and hopefully after reading this rambling, tormenting love story this advice is helpful if you are walking in these same heavy boots;

Life throws wicked curveballs like this to catch you off guard. To test you even. Just when you think your strong again, it tempts you with an illusion that is just out of reach.

Don't get distracted.

Keep on track.

Breathe.

Think and center yourself.

Come back to yourself.

You can be whoever you want to be. When you start thinking about what you want, you stop caring what everyone else might think.  It's your life, live it in the present, not dwelling on the past.


We make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.
-Carlos Castenada


For anyone that made it through this, thanks for listening. Hopefully my next couple posts will be back to their normal hilarious and whimsical ways.