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Its been a while since I've been on here. Due to a series of life changing events which led me into a state of depression in which I was basically drinking as much as I could to possibly even get an hours worth of sleep, I didn't have much time for anything but the booze.  Now, almost two years after that event, with a tremendous amount of help from people that love me dearly, I am almost feeling right again.   Dried out and jacked up for new life to unfold, I've started dreaming my whacky dreams again. I'm going to try to diligently log these dreams, so I am able to center some sort of awareness from them and perhaps one day open my mind to the world of lucid dreaming.

They say that everything you see in a dream you have encountered in real life at some point, well this last dream that I had definitely had elements of real life. It was one of those dreams that makes you so happy that your heart feels like its going to burst, and then when you wake up, you never want to go back to sleep. Because you know that dream is impossible. Totally unreachable.

Writing about it helps me shake the wonderful and devastating feelings that this dream created for me. So if you're reading this, maybe you can relate and it might help you feel a little better, if you skimmed it and decided I was crazy, you're probably onto something. Either way, this release of my unconscious thoughts to strangers on the world wide web helps me feel a little bit better for reasons I cannot explain. Here it goes;

The setting of this dream started off like many others, I was sitting in a room with a delicious beer in my hand. All of the sudden the room is full of people I know, great friends, old drinking buddies, people who's faces I know, but names I can't remember. 

We're all getting along famously, talking about life, love, stress and set backs, when a face I know sticks out in the crowd. Someone I haven't seen in a long time, and someone that knows someone I have been actively trying not to think about.

The subconscious seems to have gotten the better of me. It was a friend of my ex. (Surprisingly (insert dripping sarcasm here), the inciting incident in my real life downward spiral)

 The friend walks up to me and says, "I need to show you something"

Reluctantly and curiously, I follow him. He leads me out of the room, down a series of fire exit stairs, through rooms that look strangely familiar and finally to a place full of so many wonderful memories. I hoped it would stay that way. In the past, gone, only to be remembered of the great times I had there.

But this place is different. Not the setting, just the mood.

I start to panic, I know whats coming, I want it so badly, but I know that it's not real. It can't be real. But it feels so very very real.

And there it is.

My ex comes into the room. 

He looks at me, with those eyes I loved, and my heart skips a beat. How does he do this? Still, after everything, in a dream, I feel like I'm frozen to the spot. I can feel the uncertainty, the spite, the hate.

I can't force myself to move, to speak, to cry.

Then he takes my hand. My souls on fire, my heart is pounding, I have no idea what he wants from me, but it doesn't matter. I feel like I'm whole again. My other half is back.

He leads me away from that place with so many good memories and up some more stairs. I don't know where we're going, he hasn't said a word. We get to the bottom of another stair case, familiar again, but lost through time. And my shoes are there. So I start putting on my shoes as if were going outside, he does the same. He stands up first and waits for me to finish tying up my shoes. As I go to stand, I'm crouched down and look up, he's smiling. A smile that I remember so well, brighter than Times Square.

I don't remember what happened, but something came back. And he picked me up and hugged me so hard my air was gone out of my lungs. He said he missed me. He needed to find me. He's sorry for what happened. I just soak up the moment. I missed him so badly, my heart ached for so long.

This was my breaking point. I don't remember anything else from the dream other than how elated I was. That feeling I haven't felt in years was back.


I had to force myself to wake up.       I could have stayed there forever.



So, now I am awake. With all these feelings that I've missed dearly.

And the realization that this dream is impossible crashes down on me.

I want to cry, but I can't.

So I think.


Why would I have this dream now? I am at a fantastic point in my life, I'm back on track, succeeding in my career and even taking online university courses to open more opportunity.

Why the hell would my subconscious decide to through that curveball at me?

Think.

Breathe.

Breathe in the pain.

Exhale the love.


It's been a week since this dream, I'm still piecing it together. Considering I'm a terribly unromantic person, some may refer to me as a robot, I am still having trouble deciphering the feelings.

Here's my conclusion, and hopefully after reading this rambling, tormenting love story this advice is helpful if you are walking in these same heavy boots;

Life throws wicked curveballs like this to catch you off guard. To test you even. Just when you think your strong again, it tempts you with an illusion that is just out of reach.

Don't get distracted.

Keep on track.

Breathe.

Think and center yourself.

Come back to yourself.

You can be whoever you want to be. When you start thinking about what you want, you stop caring what everyone else might think.  It's your life, live it in the present, not dwelling on the past.


We make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.
-Carlos Castenada


For anyone that made it through this, thanks for listening. Hopefully my next couple posts will be back to their normal hilarious and whimsical ways.

A Very Interesting Heli Skiing Trip

So, I work for a helicopter company that does heli skiing in the winter. I very often dream about work.

This time was much much different though.


You see, since I've started work, I've really really wanted to get out heli skiing, but I've yet to get the chance.

This dream was pretty awesome, but it sure turned strange fast.



The helicopter lifts off, and everyone has their boards strapped on ready to jump out. As soon as we reach the peak, Bruce (the pilot and my boss) says, GO OR I'LL KNOCK YOUR HEADS IN!

We all jump out fearing Bruce's wrath. Were ripping down the mountain at mach 1 and my soul is just on fire. All of the sudden, out of freaking nowhere theres a huge waterfall in my way that definitely is NOT frozen!

I magically conjure up a parachute (obviously, what could be more effective than a parachute when your about to drown?) and strap it on. I take one look at the waterfall, and attempt to jump over it on my snowboard.

As soon as I jump, the helicopter shows up and I jump inside! Wooooo safe from drowning!

Nows where it gets strange.

Bruce turns around and says, alright ready to get soaked? I look down, then back up at him, then down at me again and I'm wearing a wet suit and have a tube in my hand. Cool, instamorph into more awesome extreme sports!!!  

Now, we're on this river, its definitely not in the mountains, more like Brazil? Definitely somewhere tropical. The back of the helicopter opens up and I get all pumped up and ready to go flying into these huge white water rapids.

I jump out.

Water everywhere.

Salty in my mouth. Blech. (I think I was thirsty in real life at this point)

So, here I am on this tube, speeding down a river and all of the sudden another waterfall shows up! Oh dammit! What the f do I do now?


Apparently I still had my parachute.

I pull the strap, land safely at the bottom of the water fall and am back on track in the rapids!  This goes on maybe six times, I'm really unsure how I had that many parachutes....

Annndddd crazy scene change out of no where! I'm back on the mountain and Bruce is telling me to get in the chopper so we can leave!  I grab my board and get in.   Now I go to strap in, but apparently have only one binding.

Now, I'm a decent snowboarder, but heliskiing with one binding? Yikes.

All of the sudden Bruce says alright, ready for the drop!?

All the adrenaline junkies on board cheer, I go NOOOO BRUCE I HAVE NO BINDING.....

He doesn't here me, and pulls the helicopter up so that everyone on board falls out onto the mountain. (Safe eh?)

So here I am, plummeting to the ground with one binding.           I actually managed to land, only to smash into a tree and wake up seconds later.



All in all, I hope that if I get to go heli skiing next winter, it does not turn out like this.

Labyrinth

I seem to have this recurring dream.  

I'm trapped in a labyrinth. Not the awesome kind of labyrinth that I end up meeting David Bowie in, but a Nightmare Before Christmas crossed with The Secret Garden and a little bit of Harry Potter thrown in there.

Anyways, as I'm walking down this terrifying labyrinth of doom, all I can think about is labyrinth seals (probably because I can never remember how they work). All of the sudden, I just start full out running, maybe something was chasing me, maybe I just like to run because I can actually breathe in my dreams, who knows?

I come across this door hidden in all these dead vines (here's where the Secret Garden comes in). Now, I think to myself, should I open this door?........


Then I wake up.



Unfortunately, I've only gone through the door once. And it was a bad move for my dream self to make.

I opened the door, and fell through a massive pit that seemed to never end. Unlike a lot of the dreams that I have, I didn't hit the ground hard enough to wake me up. Instead, I hit the ground hands first (not breaking my wrists! Woo dreamland!) and its pitch black.

A light comes on. I look down.



Faces, everywhere as far as I can see are decomposing faces, as if they've been cemented into the ground.


Then I wake up. Generally to terrified to go to sleep again.


So, I've been trying to figure out what this all means.... maybe I don't open the door because I know whats inside it, or maybe my life has turned a new direction and the door represents anticipation of the future?  


All I know is that I have some crazy dreams......

A Battle of Epic Proportions

Last night I shot Danny McBride.

No, not literally.

This is my first post so I'll give you the LD, I've been having really bizzare dreams lately. They've been so vivid that I've been able to remember almost every detail. They might entertain you, they might disturb you just keep in mind that they're just dreams!

So it started out like this;

A friend of mine was entered into some sort of pageant, and I was grabbing her pretty red dress "winners" dress for her from her house. On my way to meet her I get a phone call that her car has broken down so she hi-jacked a snowplow so she wouldn't be late. There's snow all over the road so it makes sense right?      Anyways, I met up with her at a gas station and instead of taking my car we take the snowplow, which at this point has transformed into a semi truck with a snowplow on the front. I hop inside, and there's Danny McBride (Pineapple Express) and my friend.

I think to myself, AWESOME DANNY FREAKIN McBRIDE!!! Then the thought crossed my mind, wait... why is Danny McBride in my friends hi-jacked semi/snowplow?  Oh well. We start to go.

All of the sudden, my friend has morphed into the evil version of Liam Neeson (Taken) who has apparently gone insane and smashed our truck plow into a post and starts scream, "ONE OF US IS SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!"

So, me, apparently being a master debater convince Liam Neeson that its Danny McBride who is supposed to be dead. McBride says, "Well shit."   

Now, I've been charged with the task of making sure that Danny McBride is dead. I convince him to leave the truck (which has now morphed into some sort of shack similar to those on the oil rigs) where apparently there are several vicious dogs. He steps outside, Neeson and I high five. 

Seconds later, he's back in the snowplow/semi/shack saying there's no dogs outside. So, I take him back outside with a gun in the back of my pants like a straight up G.   He turns around, I point the gun at him.   He says, "You'll have to defeat me first!", in a Russian accent all of the sudden. Then, BLAMO!!! Without any warning he pulls the craziest gun out of NOWHERE and starts shooting at me and launching RPGs with the same gun!

In this dream, I apparently have much quicker reflexes than in real life, like Matrix worthy. I dive behind the shack, and can hear Neeson laughing his head off from inside. Now I have to use my wits to outsmart Russian Danny McBride and his gun o' doom.

Here's what I do, dive around the otherside of the shack, he fires another RPG, I run around the otherside, another RPG. He seems to have unlimited ammo and I have only a few shots. So, I assume that McBrides' vision is based on movement much like a T-rexs. I sneak on top of the shack almost ninja like, and aim.  

I shoot Danny McBride in the face 6 times (Rule 4, Double Tap) and he goes down. What do I do afterwards? Fist pump dance and say Arnold Schwarzenegger numero uno!

And then my cat Roulette jumps on my head and wakes me up.

Talk about crazy.

To Danny McBride, just incase you happen to scan the internet for your name and stubble across this by accident, I'm sorry I shot you in the face in my dreams.

Liam Neeson, You're crazy man!

Ummmm.....I don't know how to end this so..... THE END!